A lot of you have probably read the article titled “Do Vancouver Men Suck”, written by Katherine Ashenburg. On January 1st, Vancouver Magazine published the article, and it has been the talk of the city ever since. If you haven’t read it yet, I recommend you do so before reading my response.

To get my opinion out of the way at the beginning, my answer to the question do Vancouver men suck? Yes. Absolutely! It’s not even really a question that needs asking. It’s obvious. The less obvious question is, why?

Eight years ago, I started a singles events company. Yes, ladies…while living in my parent’s basement. Before you start making judgments, note that I was only 21 at the time. Since that then I have listened to thousands of women complain about the men in Vancouver. I’ve heard everything from “there are five men for every woman”, to “the men aren’t masculine enough”, and my personal favorite is “men in this city can’t hand a strong independent woman”.

Why can’t men be the men you want them to be? Here’s my view: men don’t act like men because women don’t act like women.

There – I said it. Whose fault it is, and which happened first is really irrelevant. The point is that it has turned in to a vicious cycle that keeps getting worse.

Why aren’t men confident? Why don’t men approach women any more? Why are 30-year-old men stuck in adolescence, scared to make the first move? Ashenburg answered this question best, it’s because most women spend their nights engaging in their “…favorite local pastime – dissing Vancouver men.” Hmmm… I wonder why a well-adjusted, single guy wouldn’t want to approach a group of three women sitting in a café drinking Pinot Grigio. Could it be the looks of despair on their faces as they talk about how horrible all the guys are in the city? Guys want to approach you. They want to ask you out. They want to do the things that make you happy. But guys aren’t going to be men unless you start treating them like men. If you want guys to approach you, make yourselves more approachable. I can just picture myself at the counter getting a coffee and seeing three women sitting in the café drinking wine and chatting with each other.

I can picture myself looking over, thinking how pretty one of them is and how she’s just my type. She can tell I’m looking at her. Just as she looks up and makes eye contact with me, I put on a friendly smile and hold her gaze. I try not to chicken out and look the other way. She rolls her eyes and whispers something to her friend. I imagine her telling her friend how the pervert at the counter is staring at her. I end up leaving and feeling like a creep for the next hour just because I dared to smile at a girl. I wonder if I’ll try again tomorrow?

Ashenburg also chose a perfect paper to reference in her article titled Gender Shift: Are Women the New Men? The answer is yes. Women are the new men. Here’s where it gets a little tricky and I am going to try and watch what I say. Gender equality has come a long way over the last century. Women are now well-educated, have corporate jobs, can support themselves and have the ability to be totally independent. This wasn’t the case in the old days.

The issue lies in that men and women are both confused with these new gender roles. My opinion is that gender roles in dating need to be separated from gender equality in the rest of our lives.

Most women would agree that they still want to be independent, strong and successful. However, when it comes to dating they still want the old school chivalry, and the gender roles of long ago. They want men to arrange the date, pick them up, pull their chair out at dinner and pick up the tab. All of these things are totally acceptable requests. Guys should do these things. When it comes to dating, women want men to be real men. Still, it seems that the other side of the equation has totally been forgotten. Men still want women to be women when it comes to dating as well: cute, delicate and feminine.

In today’s modern world, women still want their Prince Charming to come along and rescue them. They want to be swept off their feet. Guess what? Guys like the other side of that fairy tale too.

We like the idea of a damsel in distress that we can come along and rescue. It make’s us feel manly. It makes us want to take control. It turns us into all the things that women so desperately want us to be: confident, chivalrous and masculine.

If a guy shows up to the castle to rescue his princess and she’s standing at the front door in her pant suit, answering emails on her blackberry and glaring at him because he’s late, the fairy tale is lost. If you want the fairy tale, you have to play your role too.

I’m not saying we don’t want you to have jobs and be successful. However, when it comes to romance, if you want the man to act like men used to act, you need to act like a woman used to act too. A lot of women carry their new strong, decisive, independent identity into their dating lives. It’s not always obvious, and you probably don’t even know you’re doing it. Sometimes it is just in the way you carry yourself. Just because you are dressed in 6-inch heels and a skirt, doesn’t mean you are being feminine. I went on a blind date a few years ago. I met my date at the restaurant and recognized her from a picture I had seen. When I walked up to greet her, she stuck out her hand for a handshake (it was probably firmer than it should have been too). I wasn’t there for a business meeting. She should have left that for the job interview in the morning. That set the tone for the whole date.

Did I pull her chair out for her when we sat down? No. Was this because I’m an asshole, or I’m lazy, or because I don’t believe in chivalry? No, it was because I felt like we were at a business meeting and not on a date.

I look back on that date now and think of how differently it would have gone if she had greeted me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. If a guy is going on a date with a girl, he likes her. Guys are so used to being rejected in this city that we are just happy you said yes to a date. Once we’re there, a little femininity and effort on your end to make us feel comfortable will go a long way.

I understand why you don’t want to coddle a guy’s ego and tell him he’s doing ok. That goes against being your ideal man. But when guys are on a date, we are constantly looking for clues that you actually like us back. So, when you shake our hand, and check your blackberry throughout the date, we are getting signals that you are not really interested. We know you guys have great jobs and make good money. Put your blackberry away…we get it.

Is Vancouver one of the worst cities for dating? Absolutely. But you can’t blame it all on the guys. They play their role, I know. But there is something with the overall culture of Vancouver that makes it such a hard city to meet people.

Men don’t want to be Men, because Women don’t want to be Women.

One of my favorite stories to tell, on the subject of the culture in Vancouver, is about a trip I took with my ex-girlfriend. I have grown up in Vancouver and spent my whole life here; she grew up on the East Coast. She was born in Montreal and went to University in Halifax. We planned a one-week trip to go east and spend some time with her family and friends. On the third night, we went to a bar in Halifax, where everyone seems to know everyone. After grabbing us a couple drinks at the bar, I joined her at a table where she was already chatting away and catching up. I joined in, and after 10 minutes or so of conversation I gave her a bit of a nudge and asked her to introduce me to her friends as she had forgotten to do so. She turned and looked at me with a confused look on her face and said, “Oh…I don’t know these people”. I was baffled. What do you mean? We just walked into a bar and sat down with a group of people that were already sitting there and started talking with them? Why didn’t they ignore us? Tell us the seats were taken? Ask us what we thought we were doing? Apply this to the dating scene in Vancouver.

Imagine two guys out at a pub. They see two ladies sitting at a table. They walk over and sit down at their table, uninvited, and introduce themselves to try to strike up a conversation. Ladies, without making it personal, what do you think 90% of women in Vancouver would do? The guys wouldn’t have lasted more than 30 seconds at the table, without being told to leave, or feeling so unwelcome they gave up within a minute.

I can sense the denial coming from you as you read this, “I wouldn’t do that. I want men to approach me.” If you don’t believe me, go present 10 men with the scenario above and ask them what they think the two girls would do.

If you want men to approach you, you actually have to send out the energy that you want to be approached. Men in this city are so used to being rejected and made to feel like perverts, that they are done taking chances without getting some sort of clue that shows interest first.

The biggest thing women in this city forget to do is smile. It is so simple it drives me nuts. Guys aren’t complicated. You don’t need to decipher us. The guys in Vancouver haven’t come up with some devious plan to starve women of attention.

We like you. Yes, you. I don’t care who you are. We think you’re cute. We would love to go on a date with you. Just give us a sign…give us something.

Just try it. Consciously try it for the next week. Make an effort to smile at the guy you think is cute. Hell, go way out on a limb and say hello and introduce yourself. Start a conversation. You hold the power. You have the power to make us feel confident, and you have the power to take it away in an instant. It’s up to you what you do with this power.

As a city, if you sit there with your arms crossed and talk about how there are no good men in Vancouver, where do you think men’s confidence level is going to fall? You’re creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. If every woman in Vancouver woke up tomorrow and walked the streets smiling, and making themselves approachable, guys would respond. We want to. We are dying to. Try it with the next guy you see, where you wish he would ask you out.

Give him a smile, and that look you give when you’re interested in a guy. Don’t play dumb. You know the one. You see a guy looking at you, and you realize it. You tilt your head to the side. Smile like you’re a little bit embarrassed. You look down for a split second, then look right back up to make eye contact again. You brush the hair out of your face. We love it.

It’s feminine. If you are like most women in Vancouver, you’ve probably forgotten what this is. But when we see it, we know you are interested. It makes us feel good about ourselves. It gives us confidence. We know at the very least if we come over to say hello, we’re not going to be told to beat it.

To quote a friend of mine, and self titled social acupuncturist, Daniel Packard, “When men are in bed, the reason they love hearing Yes, yes, yes…Is because they are so used to hearing No, No, No.”

So, to tell you the truth, I don’t think men in Vancouver suck; and I don’t think women in Vancouver blow.

There just needs to be an effort made on both sides of the table in this city to change the way we view each other. If both genders sit back and wait for the other one to change, nothing will get better. I agree that men need to Man Up. But women, you are a big part of this process.

You hold more power than you think. Hell, you hold all the power. I tell you this, but you really have no idea. Use it for good and not to break down men’s confidence, and I think you’ll find a big difference. We’re easy. We’re simple. It’s not that complicated. Just give us a sign.

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