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Want Orgasm? Let the Love In.

how to have an orgasm, how to give an orgasm, sexual pleasure, female pleasure, love advice
I get a lot of emails from men and women wanting the elusive answer to the never-ending question:

How can I (or how can I get her to) have an orgasm?

Orgasm, sex, love, relationships, pleasure, desire, sensation.

First piece of advice: Stop Trying.

No. Really. Take the pressure off of yourself or your partner to ‘make something happen.’ The more we clamp down and ‘effort’ ourselves into an experience that we think we should be having, the more we distance ourselves from the rich world of sensation that exists right here in the present.

Second: Redefine ‘Orgasm.’

Many people have a very limited view of what we consider to be orgasm, thanks to a lack of sound erotic education and the prevalence of porn and soap operas as our dubious teachers on sex and relating. Most of us believe that orgasm is this fleeting, 30-second event where you buildup a lot of energy until you can’t hold it anymore, go over a sharp edge and have some sort of crashing release. While this experience (which I call ‘climax’) may be a part of orgasm, it is only a tiny hiccup on the spectrum of possibility.

Passion, orgasm, love, relationships, sex, pleasure, desire, Candice Holdorf.

To me, orgasm is the pulsing breath of life that births every moment.

Orgasm is the chilly tickle on the edge of my skin as my lover draws his tongue from the edge of my ear to the tip of my nipple. It’s the warm flush in my face and genitals when I reveal a taboo desire. It is the fire of my hunger and the blazing force that opens me to pleasure.

Which takes me to my third piece of advice: Receive.

Let the love in. Our ability to experience orgasm is directly proportionate to our ability to receive pleasure. Very often, we have a lot of ideas that sit on top of and stifle our pleasure:

  • I don’t deserve to feel this good.
  • If I let this in, what do I have to give up in return?
  • I don’t want to tell him what I want because it will hurt his feelings.
  • If I ask for what I want, I will look like a bitch.
  • Everyone can have this except me.
  • I can’t do this with someone unless I know we are getting married.
  • I should just go along with this because I don’t want to look like I’m frigid.
  • I don’t want him to think I’m a kinky nympho.

Passion, orgasm, love, relationships, sex, pleasure, desire, Candice Holdorf.However, when you admit the truth about your desire, love yourself enough to ask for it and stay connected to the sensation along the way, a world of orgasmic pleasure opens up to you—and rather than orgasm being this nebulous pinball that sometimes pings in the jackpot every once in a while, it becomes an infinite banquet that fills the hungry void that we often stuff with sugar, shopping or junk-food sex.

So what exactly does ‘let the love in’ mean?

Well, first, it means slowing down enough to be present with what is. It also means being humble and gracious enough to honor the miracle of your very existence right now. It means acknowledging your own desire. Perhaps you are having sex with someone with whom you don’t really want to be having sex. Can you love yourself (and the other person) enough to tell the truth? Or perhaps your partner is offering exquisite attention on your navel and your brain is freaking out about how you have to reciprocate?

Can you love yourself and your partner enough, to breathe, relax and feel (and maybe even whisper the words ‘Thank You”)?

Orgasm has very little to do with technique and a LOT to do with state of mind.

First of all, orgasm is our own responsibility. No one can ‘do it’ for us or ‘give it to us.’ Yes, other people may facilitate the opening (and we dearly, dearly thank them for it), but our orgasm depends on our own ability to stay relaxed, receptive and present with what is. Also, if a woman doesn’t feel safe in any way, she will not enter a state of orgasm. This is why conscious explorations of erotic pleasure and practices of surrender (like Orgasmic Mediation) are powerful tools on your sexual journey.

For example, the other day I was having sex and while he was inside me, I could hear a cacophony of voices wondering if he was having a good time and if I was ‘doing it right.’ Instead of staying caught in my mind, I chose to breathe, slow down and simply feel the sensation of our sex. I noticed the tiny sparks on the lower walls of my pussy. I noticed the pulsation around my lips. I noticed how deeply he was feeling me and riding our edge. I noticed the variety of strokes he made—from long and languorous to soft and still to powerful and rough.

orgasm, sex, love, relationships, desire, pleasure.I surrendered to the pleasure of our experience and allowed the orgasm to overflow. I thought to myself, “I feel so fully loved right now, by my self, by life, by this man, by my body, that I am going to pour love onto this man through his cock.” And from there, I simply let orgasm take the reigns.

When you answer the questions “What is my desire?” and “Am I staying connected to the sensation?” you invite an honest inquiry into the inner landscape of your sex. You begin to see orgasm as a curious friend, rather than an ephemeral foe. Orgasm becomes a lifelong journey, a state of being and a passage to grace. It’s often a fiery and clunky ride, but if you can remember to let the love in (and to share in your abundance), you’ll find yourself deepening your intimacy, feeling so much more in your body and having a hell of a lot of fun.

10 Comments on “Want Orgasm? Let the Love In.”

  1. Great article Candice! I am one of those that needs this type of education as I learn to fully embrace my sexuality and womanhood…and learn to unleash and give back to the world with that energy. Thanks for being bold enough to speak up!

  2. This is one of my favourite articles, I will definitely come back for more. just keep them coming! ;D

    1. Thanks for commenting.Some women are centont with the non-orgasmic aspects of sex including the emotional aspects and sensual pleasuring. Other women, who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation, hope for orgasm. It is highly misleading currently that society implies that female orgasm happens naturally’ during sex.Many women confuse emotional and sensual aspects of sex with true sexual arousal and orgasm because they have never experienced these phenomena through masturbation.The non-orgasmic aspects of sex can be very pleasant but over the longer term they cause women to be much less enthusiastic about sex than men tend to be.If we acknowledge that men and women stand to obtain different rewards from sex, then men can be encouraged to invest effort in other aspects of the relationship if they hope their woman will invest in a sexual relationship.Young women may believe that the emotional rewards of sex are enough but over decades of a relationship/marriage the loving and romantic aspects tend to wane.Over time a couple will need to invest both in their sexual relationship together (by exploring sex beyond intercourse) and by making effort to enjoy each other’s company outside the bedroom.

  3. “I surrendered to the pleasure of our experience and allowed the orgasm to overflow. I thought to myself, “I feel so fully loved right now, by my self, by life, by this man, by my body, that I am going to pour love onto this man through his cock.” And from there, I simply let orgasm take the reigns.”

    I like your style, Candice, I especially like the frame of pouring love into him through his cock.
    Informative sexy article.

    1. I think it’s important to dieearfntifte between a fantasy used simply for sexual arousal and one that a person would like to have happen in reality.My fantasies are almost never about real men. Real men bring too much reality into my fantasies and I like to imagine surreal scenarios where I have control of the action.Obviously I can’t speak for your wife. My impression is that women don’t have sex with men just to experience orgasm. Usually non-sexual factors are more important than whether a woman is able to use a man’s body directly to achieve orgasm.Frankly, I would see any means of a woman achieving orgasm as a positive and that is certainly the reaction that I have had from experts.Sexual fantasies are not in themselves harmful but, of course, where they lead may be a different matter. If you are worried about your marriage I would look at the wider relationship issues first, such as trust and enjoying time together, especially if the sex part seems to be working.

  4. Two thumbs up!! I just love this post!!

  5. I simply loved this article.
    Beauty and truth within every word.

    I thank you :)

  6. Hello there, just became alert to your blog through Google, and found that it’s really informative. I am going to watch out for brussels. I’ll be grateful if you continue this in future. Numerous people will be benefited from your writing. Cheers!

  7. thank your for your post and the rest. you know..

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